This past week and a half has been completely miserable. Though the people I assume care about me, excluding my parents who don't care, well no one really knows exactly how depressed I am. I'm constantly suicidal, visions of the types of ways to die constantly flow through my mind. Only seeing the darkness within myself and the world I am absolutely unhappy. I'm with someone that only reminds me of my depression and how much of a failure I am in life. I want to leave her but... I just don't think I'll find anyone beautiful or attractive to me at all.
I've been laying in bed night after night just wishing someone would kill me or my body would just give out and I'd die. I could never lower myself to killing myself, though with these memories and thoughts of suicide I'm not sure anymore. I would admit myself into a psychiatric ward or at least get help but I don't have medical insurance. I've failed at everything I have ever done and I'm pretty sure I will never find that one person that truly makes me happy. Some people tell me I'm very good looking but I only see the wrong in myself as well as the ugly. I'm constantly working out trying to make myself look better but it's not helping at all. My dream girl is nowhere to be found and I am left standing here in darkness alone.
I have what you would call a dis-functional family. My father is an abusive alcoholic and my mother well I don't think she cares about me either. Once I threatened suicide and actually meant it, she told me " If your going to kill yourself then go do it across the street. I don't want the police here bothering me about it after you do it." I'm all alone in this world, watching people I know, happy, in love... and I'm just left here in the dark forgotten, miserable, wishing I'd just die.
When will the girl of my dreams come? When will she save me from this pain and torment? Sometimes I wonder if when you die you see a world that's completely happy, having the things that you want but know you can never have. All these things just make me wonder, was I put on this earth for a reason? Or was I just an accident? I'm not sure of anything anymore... I'm just sure I want to die...
